


What Happens Behind Closed Doors will Always be Revealed

by Fantasy_Fanatic03



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abusive Cenred, Café, Human Athusia, Human Kilgharrah, I mean I really tried, I tried to stay away from Merthur, M/M, Merlin is a cinnamon roll, Merlin is abused-mostly verbally, Merthur - Freeform, Modern AU, Other, Painting, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts/Actions, Use of strong profanity, and failed, artist, attempted non-con sexual activity, but also physically, but nothing really happens, for the sake of this fic, merlin whump, no, probably super ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:29:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26585899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fantasy_Fanatic03/pseuds/Fantasy_Fanatic03
Summary: Merlin is abused by his boyfriend of 3 years. Merlin finds himself lost and stuck in a relationship he doesn’t want to be in. He goes to college. Merlin believes that he’d be better off dead after a horrible fight with Cenred. But then he meets one fine looking blond with the clearest blue eyes he’d ever seen.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 146





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Kilgharrah and Athusia are humans for the sake of this fic.  
> This takes place just before Merlin breaks it off with Cenred...or well tries too. There are going to be some flashbacks to help with moving everything along so y’all can get the whole feel. Thank youuu!! Also, if some parts move a little too slow, I’m sorry for that as well. I’m trying my best here. Last but not least, enjoy all the Merlin whump, because I can’t write anything without the highest amount of whump and tear-jerking scenes possible.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: I use my writing as a coping mechanism for all the shit that goes on in my life. So, as always, there will be specific triggers that are mentioned inside. Please, for your own mental health, read at your own risk. 
> 
> Specific trigger warnings: Abuse- kind of, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, self-deprecating thoughts
> 
> Disclaimer: I DO NOT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM OWN MERLIN! ALL CREDIT GOES TO THE CREATORS! THIS PLOT BUNNY WAS INSPIRED BY THE MANY FANFICTION I HAVE READ, BUT IS MY OWN.

The full moon was high in the night sky, shining ever so brightly. A young man 23 years of age sat on the balcony of his and his boyfriend’s shared apartment. The serene light of the moon and his jet black hair making his pale skin seem almost translucent. He had a look of sadness on his sharp features.

Merlin sighed to himself as he hopped off the railing and went back inside. He climbed into the bed and almost immediately Cenred’s arms wrapped around him. He no longer felt comfort in those arms, but he would never tell Cenred that. “Whe’re ya been?” the man asked sleepily.

“I’m sorry I woke you,” Merlin said. Cenred hummed and turned over.

The night was long, Merlin barely got any sleep. By the time he woke up in the morning, Cenred was already gone for work. Merlin got dressed for the day. Merlin had classes to attend. He drove to college every day because Cenred insisted Merlin lived with him instead of in the dorms.

It felt like a long day of classes for Merlin. He was a senior in college, getting his bachelor of fine arts degree.

After class Merlin headed to the cafe, where he always went to do homework. Cenred always had one or more of his friends over and usually they were too loud for Merlin to concentrate.

“Good afternoon, Merlin!” Kilgharrah said as Merlin walked in. He was a tall man with amber-colored eyes and tawny brown hair. He had an adopted daughter named Aithusa who also worked at the cafe. She was a bubbly teen with blonde, almost white hair and blue eyes. She had become something of a little sister to Merlin.

Merlin sat down at his usual booth in the cafe. He and Cenred met the summer before Merlin’s first year in college. They had been dating since the beginning of Merlin’s freshman year.

“What can I get you today?!” Aithusa asked cheerfully.

“My usual.” Merlin smiled back at her.

“Alright, one hot cup of gold blend tea coming right up!” Merlin pulled his laptop out of his bag, hoping to get some stuff done here before he needed to go home. Well, if he could call it home anymore. He and Cenred were fighting a lot more lately. It felt as if the other man didn’t love Merlin anymore.

Merlin, soon after finishing his tea, headed back to the apartment. When Merlin got there, Cenred was already home and with a couple of his buddies over. Merlin didn’t mind it; Cenred was allowed to have friends over. But they had already trashed the apartment and were being exceptionally loud. “Hey, babe. Nice of you to join us,” Cenred almost sneered. It was clear he was already buzzed, there was a slight slur in his voice.

“I’m not,” Merlin replied shortly. He did not want to deal with Cenred and his friends. Merlin stormed to the bedroom, already in a bad mood. Of all the things he had to come home to, it just had to be Cenred getting drunk at the house.

It was nearing time for dinner, but Merlin didn’t feel like cooking. Still, he pulled himself from the bed and out of the room.

“Merlin, come 'ere,” Cenred slurred.

“What?” Merlin asked. He stood at the opening of the small kitchen.

“Come 'ere.”

Merlin waltzed over. Cenred stood, looking at Merlin with hungry eyes. Merlin eyed him wearily. Cenred forcefully grabbed his face and kissed him harshly. Merlin froze at the harshness of the kiss. Merlin pushed him away. “Not in front of your friends,” Merlin muttered quietly. “Please?”

“You’ll do what I want,” Cenred snapped quietly in his ear. “You’re mine. My little pet.”

Merlin frowned. “I’m no one’s pet,” Merlin said as he pushed Cenred away from him. That resulted in Cenred grabbing him harder. Merlin gave a slight whimper. “Cenred stop..,” Merlin pleaded.

“You should let us have a go at 'im,” one of Cenred’s friends, Valiant, said. Merlin frowned even harder.

“Let go of me!” 

Cenred growled, pushing Merlin away so hard that he fell to the floor. Cenred stumbled back, clearly drunk now. Merlin’s expression was one of shock. It wasn’t the first time this had happened. Cenred liked showing him off...when he was drunk. Merlin scrambled back to his feet. “Have at ‘im,” Cenred spoke with anger. Merlin backed up until he hit the front door. 

“Don’t you dare,” Merlin said as threateningly as possible. He searched blindly for the doorknob but was grabbed by Valliant before he could turn it. “Let go of me!” He could smell the alcohol on their breaths. Merlin was wrestled to the floor, Valliant holding his shoulders and Cedric at his feet. He kicked out, trying to get them off. But, Merlin wasn’t a fighter and they easily overpowered him. Tears sprang from Merlin’s eyes as he fought tooth and limb against them. Cenred could be mean when he was drunk, but this was downright terrifying. His face hurt from when Cenred had grabbed him, pushing his fingers deep into the soft skin of his cheeks. 

Cenred stumbled over, pushing Cedric out of the way. “You. Are. Mine,” Cenred growled. Merlin whimpered. While Valiant was distracted, he hit the larger man in the nose, causing him to back away. He kicked and flailed his feet, knocking Cenred over. 

Merlin scrambled back to his feet and out the door before they could do anything. Tears flowed freely down his face as he ran out to his car. Thankfully he still had his keys in his pocket. Merlin started the car, one place in mind. His uncle Gaius’ house. 

The sun was finally setting when he arrived. He was still sniveling when he walked up to the door. Gaius sitting up in his chair, reading a newspaper. He looked up when the door opened. “I need somewhere to stay, Gaius..,” Merlin said through tears. 

“Of course my boy! What happened?” He asked, concern lacing his voice. The older man got up, joints protesting as he did so, and walked over to his distraught nephew. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Soon, Merlin was sitting on the full bed in the extra room. He stayed there before he had moved in with Cenred. He stared at the floor with a blank expression. Gaius had turned in for the night, leaving Merlin alone to his thoughts. Merlin pulled out his phone, texting his long time best friend, Freya. 

Merlin didn’t sleep that night. Every time he closed his eyes, he’d see them sneering and laughing at him. He knew Cenred could be careless, but...never that careless. 

He rolled out of bed the next morning and to the kitchen. Gaius had set out a note saying  _ ‘I’ve gone to work, there is cereal in the cabinet. You’re welcome to help yourself. ~Gaius _ ’

Gaius worked as a pharmacist. Merlin, before having to go to classes, went back to the apartment. Cenred was, thankfully gone for work, and took all of his stuff back to Gaius’. He would not be returning. He found Cenred’s contact in his phone. 

_ ‘I’m done, Cenred. Don’t contact me anymore. I can’t be with you. Goodbye forever.’ _ and he deleted and blocked the number as soon as he sent the message. Merlin found himself crying once again. He furiously scrubbed at his eyes, making his face sore. 

A few hours later, Merlin was dressed and heading to Avalon University. Back in Ealdor, he never would have thought that he’d be going to one of the most prestigious universities in Camelot. 

Merlin’s day went by in a blur. He was walking out of class, ready to get to the cafe when he promptly bumped into someone. He broke down into a fit of apologies as he picked up his things with shaking hands. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going. I’m sorry,” he kept mumbling. Merlin finally looked up. Of course, it just  _ had _ to be Arthur Pendragon, son of Uther Pendragon who owned the biggest law firm known and the University. Merlin was instantly drawn to his clear blue eyes.

He was scowling down at Merlin. “No harm, no foul,” he said, but his tone was harsh. 

“I uhm. I’m sorry,” Merlin said once more. “I’ll just be going now. It won’t happen again.” The blond cocked an eyebrow. Merlin finished picking up his things that had fallen when he did and clumsily rose to his feet. 

“Just...ah, be more careful next time,” Arthur said, though his tone wasn’t as harsh as before. A flash of emotion passed through the clear eyes of the blond. It disappeared as soon as it came.

Merlin felt almost confused after that. He heard so many rumors that Arthur Pendragon was a total jerk and didn’t care about anyone but himself. But, Merlin didn’t experience that. Arthur had actually been  _ nice _ to Merlin. Nice to someone he didn’t even know. Someone as insignificant as Merlin. Now, Merlin had known Arthur’s sister, Morgana and her best friend Gwen for a little while. But they never really hung out, only at school and sometimes at the cafe. Merlin liked them well enough and they seemed to not totally hate his company. 

Merlin walked out to his car, trying to wrap his head around everything, he sat in his car four a minute before putting the keys in the ignition and starting his car. Once he was sitting in his usual spot in the cafe, he noticed Morgana and Gwen. The two were always together when he saw them. They were inseparable. He waved them over. 

“Good afternoon, Merlin! How was your day?” Gwen asked. 

Merlin did his best to conjure a smile. “It could have been better,” he chuckled nervously. 

“Why’s that?” Morgana asked. “Is everything okay? Is it that arsehole you call a boyfriend? What did he do?” 

“I em, I don’t wanna talk about that right now.” Morgana was hot headed and constantly voiced her opinion on Cenred. She didn’t like him at all. “How about you two?”

“Actually good. I’m all caught up on work and stuff!” Gwen said. 

The door dinged as it was open. Arthur and the rugby team walked in boisterously. “We’re going to win that tournament!” One of them said. A tall man with shoulder length brown hair said with a huge smile. 

“Maybe, if you weren’t too busy snogging everything that breathes,” a darker skinned one said. He had a slight resemblance to Gwen. 

“Morgana, how are you?” Leon asked as he noticed them. Merlin was instantly anxious. 

“I’m fine, come sit with us. We’re just talking to Merlin,” Morgana said. Their eyes landed on him and Merlin wanted nothing more than to dissolve into the seat. 

“Everyone, this is Merlin, Merlin...this is everyone else,” Gwen said. Merlin gave a nervous smile and waved. He hadn’t been in the same vicinity of this many people since that Party Cenred forced him to go to one a fair bit ago. Yeah, he went to college and there were a lot of people in that school, but he meant outside of school. 

“Gwaine, Elyan, Percival, Leon, Lancelot, and Arthur.”

Merlin smiled. He felt a whole lot more comfortable knowing their names. 

Merlin was almost beginning to enjoy the interesting company of the group when something caught his eye. The door opening, Cenred walking in. He didn’t look happy. Merlin’s smile dropped and his face grew pale, well...more pale than normal. “You okay Merlin?” Gwen asked. 

“Yup, totally fine.” Merlin’s response was short and he was still watching Cenred wearily. 

“You’re looking a little pale.”

“Merlin! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Cenred said as he and Merlin locked eyes. “Come on, we need to talk, please babe?”

Merlin flinched. “I- I’m sorry...I’ll be right back,” He said quietly. His voice trembled. Whether from anger or fright, no one knew. 

Cenred led him outside. The group watched, Morgana and Gwen with their eyes narrowed down to almost slits, everyone else curious. They had never seen Gwen look so menacing. Morgana, yeah. The girl was a hot-headed lioness most of the time. 

Merlin was not happy. Cenred just had to go and destroy his almost good mood by waltzing in and pretending everything was fine. “What do you want?” Merlin asked. 

“I wanted to talk to you.” 

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Merlin muttered. 

“Come on babe, it was just a joke. You know I wouldn’t have-”

“Wouldn’t have my ass!” Merlin yelled. “You tried to do stuff that I didn’t want! You fucking arsehole! You told your friends that they could have a go at me! I’m not some toy for you to pass around!” Merlin was livid. The anger overshadowed the fear. 

“Babe-”

“Stop calling me that. We aren’t together anymore. Now if you’ll excuse me-”

“God fucking damn it, Merlin!” Cenred yelled, grabbing Merlin’s arm. “You are coming home. Let’s go.” Cenred started to walk, but Merlin held his ground. 

“Let me go. I’m not going with you.” The fear that Merlin tried so hard to push down was rising to the surface as Cenred turned, giving him a menacing look. 

“I bet you are already with someone else, you little slut. Aren’t you?” Cenred said. 

“I am not! What is your problem!?” 

Cenred growled, grasping Merlin’s wrist even tighter. “You’re hurting me,” Merlin whimpered softly as he tried to break away. 

“You are mine. No one else’s. You are coming home and now.”

“Hey! Leave him alone!” Arthur’s voice reached their ears. 

“This isn’t your business,  _ Pendragon _ ,” Cenred spat. 

“I don’t care. Leave him alone.” 

Cenred growled, releasing Merlin’s arm harsh enough to make him fall to the ground. “This isn’t over,  _ Pendragon _ . Have the little slut.”

Cenred stormed off, leaving Merlin on the ground and Arthur glaring at his back. Merlin stared down at the ground, trying, albeit uselessly, to hold back the tears. Arthur held out his hand. “Are you alright?” he asked. 

“Fine,” Merlin said as he grasped the blond’s warm hand. A little tingle went through him. Their eyes locked. Merlin was the first to look away, his cheeks redder than a tomato.

They went back inside, to the questioning glances of literally everyone. “I told you that guy was no good,” Morgana said to Merlin once he sat back down. 

Merlin clenched his jaw, sighing. “I know.” 

Truth be told, Merlin was embarrassed. He ignored Morgana’s incessant warnings. Arthur heard Cenred call him a slut. The entire group witnessed the argument. He wasn’t even sure if they hadn’t heard them. It wasn’t like Cenred was quiet. He hadn’t missed the stares they got from passersby. “He-he wasn’t always like that though,” Merlin said softly. 

“Oh no. Trust me. He’s always been an asshole” Arthur said. 

Merlin looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry, I gotta go. See you later,” he said as he left with haste. No one stopped him. Merlin held himself together until he was sitting on the bathroom floor with a pocket knife in his hand. He hadn’t had a relapse since his mom begged him to stop after his best friend, Will, died in a wreck with his parents. 

He sat, staring at the blade, tears rolling relentlessly down his face. He twirled the blade in his hand. There was a bruise already forming on his wrist where Cenred had grabbed him.

_ One _ - _ for letting Cenred control your life. _

_ Another-for showing weakness in front of everyone. _

More and more angry red lines, dribbling with blood sprung up on his arms as he sliced his pale skin. Yes, it stung and there were the times that he wanted to pull away and stop, but nothing hurt more than the embarrassment he felt as the people he cared about saw him at one of his weakest points. More than the hurt he felt when Cenred first started calling him names. More than the anger he felt at Cenred for giving Merlin up to his friends that night before. More than the horrible sense of self-loathing he felt for letting it happen, for not trying hard enough, for not ever being good enough. 

A heart-wrenching sob tore itself from his lips. He sat there for god knows how long with his arms mangled and his chest aching horribly as his mind reminded him of every mistake he ever made. Everything Cenred ever said to him. Everything Cenred did to him. He realized that it wasn’t really love. Cenred never really loved Merlin like he thought he did. 

Merlin opened his eyes a while later. He was curled up in the fetal position. The blood had dried on his arms, making him wonder how long he’d actually been asleep for. Merlin shakily rose to his feet, grabbing a washcloth and wetting it in the sink. He started cleaning his arms off, scrubbing until his skin was raw, causing the wounds to start bleeding again. He shakily wrapped his arms and went out of the bathroom. Merlin sat on his bed after grabbing a hoodie. His eyes were puffy from crying. His chest still ached like someone had kicked him repeatedly in the chest. He felt more tired than anything at this point, but he dragged himself out of the bed and to the kitchen. 

“Ah, Merlin! I was just about to tell you that the food is ready!” Gaius said. Once he turned around his smile dropped. “What’s the matter, my boy?” 

“Nothing, Gaius. I’m fine.” The older man hummed in response, not believing a word Merlin said.

Merlin mostly picked at his food, swishing it around the plate. “Merlin, are you sure you’re okay?” Gaius pressed.

“I said I’m fine!” Merlin snapped. Instant regret settled in. “I’m sorry,” he apologized immediately. “I’m just gonna go to bed, I’m sorry,” he apologized once more, rinsing his plate and going back to his room. Merlin threw himself onto the bed, groaning. He really hadn’t meant to lose his temper, there was just so much on his mind and as much as he appreciated it, Gaius’ pressing didn’t help at all and merely made it worse. 

Seconds later, Merlin’s phone buzzed. It was a text from Morgana. Gwaine was having a party that weekend and Merlin was invited. He texted her back, giving an uncertain answer, before turning the light off and laying wide awake, staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t keep all the negative thoughts away and ended up crying himself to sleep for the second time that day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies!! I'm back with chapter two!!! I hope you enjoy the Merlin whump

Merlin woke up feeling worse than he had in a while. He was, however, glad that it was Friday. He turned his phone on and was immediately bombarded with many message notifications. Mostly Morgana with the party details for Gwaine’s party that night. Merlin was still unsure if he really wanted to go. After a moment of pondering, he texted Morgana telling her that he would be there. Merlin rolled back over, determined to go back to sleep when Gaius came barging in after knocking loudly. 

“Come in,” Merlin said exasperatedly. 

“I just wanted to check up on you. How are you feeling?” Gaius asked. 

“Better,” Merlin lied. “I guess a good night's rest was what I needed.” If Gaius saw past the lie, he didn’t say anything about it. 

“Your mother called, she said you haven’t been in contact much. She’s worried about you, as am I.”

“I’ll talk to her, Gaius. Don’t worry, everything is fine.”

“Merlin-” 

“Really Gaius, it’s fine.”

The old man left after that, not wanting to push Merlin too hard. 

Merlin’s day went by in a blur and before he knew it, his classes were over and Merlin was absolutely, one hundred percent, done with that day. After classes, he called his mother and had a pretty deep conversation with her. He felt a little better after that. He didn’t like lying to his mother, but he couldn’t very well tell her the whole truth. She’d be headed his direction faster than a blink of an eye and fretting over him. It was more than he thought he could handle. 

By the time Merlin got to the cafe after school, Morgana and Gwen were already there waiting for him. “Hey, you ready for Gwaine’s party tonight?” Morgana asked. 

“Yeah...about that-”

“Oh no. You are going.” She gave him a viper-like stare. “You need to let loose, Merlin.”

“I’m not even sure if they want me there. Why would they?” 

“Oh stop. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll be there,” Guinevere said with a cheeky smile. 

“Fine, I’ll go.”

Morgana broke out into a grin. “Besides, Gwaine’s been known to throw the best parties,” she said, her voice bubbling with laughter. “Well, other than mine, of course.”

Merlin found himself entering one of the most intense parties he’d ever been at. Music was playing loudly. There were several people, some he knew, and others he didn’t. If he was being honest, it was a little intimidating. 

“Hey! Merlin, you made it!” Gwaine shimmied his way through the crowd and planted his feet beside Merlin. “Want some?” 

“Ah. No thanks, I don’t drink.” 

“Suit yourself,” Gwaine said. 

Merlin found himself very, very anxious. The mixture of his past problems mixed with the crowded-ness of the party and the horrible stench of alcohol was not a very good mixture. Merlin was getting ready to leave when someone smacked right into him. “Watch where you’re going!” the voice slurred. Merlin knew that voice. What was Valiant doing here? “Oh. Merlin.” He smiled wickedly. “I’ll bet Cenred will be glad to know you’re here.” 

Merlin paled. “What are you doing here?” 

“Like I would tell you.” The man grabbed his phone and Merlin found himself in a raging panic. He backed up. Apologizing as he ran into people before turning around and making a break for the front door. No one was out there, all in various rooms in the house or in the backyard. His chest was tight and he could barely get a breath in. Nearing the point of hyperventilation, Merlin sat on the ground, trying to ground himself. But his tactics weren’t working. He could feel his entire body trembling and his heart was pounding madly. Merlin pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his head on his knees. 

“Merlin?” the confused, soft voice asked. 

‘Not now…please not now’

“Hey, just breathe,” Arthur said. Merlin could hear him walking over. “Mind if I sit?” 

Merlin shook his head, refusing to look up. He could feel the tears running down his face. “Hey, just breathe. I don’t know what’s wrong, but at this rate, you’re going to pass out. Just breathe, in for four, hold for seven, out for eight,” Arthur said. “You can get through this.”

It took a while for Merlin to calm down. “I-I’m sorry,” Merlin said. 

“Don’t apologize. Do you want to talk about it?” 

“I-” Merlin started. “You’re good at that,” Merlin blurted out. “I mean-”

“I know what you mean. Morgana used to have panic attacks. I used to help her through them.” 

“I think-” Merlin started to stand. “I think Cenred knows I’m here. I think he’s following me.” Merlin didn’t know why, but the words just fell from his lips as if he had no control. 

Arthur narrowed his eyes. “What?”

Merlin shrank back at the tone. “I-Valiant was here. At the party I mean, and he said that-”

“Don’t worry. No one is going to hurt you.”

“How can you be so sure?” Merlin asked. 

“Because. I won’t let it.”

Merlin almost laughed. But the look on Arthur’s face made him hold back. “You don’t even know me…,” Merlin mumbled. 

“I do know you. I know that you are best friends with my sister. I know you go to the cafe every evening after school. I know that you paint,” Arthur said. 

Merlin did laugh at that. “So are you stalking me?” he asked incredulously. 

“Ha ha, very funny. No, I’ve been to the cafe before. Morgana never stops talking about you. Also, I’ve seen you around the university. I’ve seen you paint and I have to admit, it’s pretty cool. I could never.”

Merlin smiled, for once, it wasn’t forced. “I’m uh. Gonna go. Hopefully, Cenred doesn’t come here-”

“He’s already here,” came a sinister sounding voice. Merlin and Arthur got to their feet. Cenred was standing at the door. 

“I told you that it was not over. You will pay for humiliating me.”

“I. Humiliated. You?” Merlin’s voice was soft as he spoke. Merlin looked at Cenred with a look of anger, sadness, and betrayal. “What about what you did to me?” 

“That was nothing.” 

A crowd was forming now. People were curious about what all the commotion was. Merlin’s mouth fell open before he closed it, a frown forming on his lips. “N-nothing?” Merlin’s voice was exasperated. “Who even are you anymore? What happened to that guy I met three years ago?” Merlin’s voice was watery now. 

“He’s gone. Oh wait, wasn’t ever really there,” Cenred sneered. 

“You can’t talk to him like that!” Arthur yelled. 

“The hell I can, Pendragon.”

Cenred walked over to Merlin. “Get out.” 

“You’re causing a scene,” Merlin whimpered softly. “Let’s settle this like adult-” 

Merlin didn’t even get to finish, because before he could Cenred punched him in the face and he was on the ground. There were gasps from the crowd. 

“How. Dare. You?” Arthur growled. He reached back and punched Cenred as hard as he could. 

“Stop!” Merlin yelled. He grabbed Arthur’s arm and pulled back with all his might. “Fighting isn’t helping anything!” 

Hey. I suggest you get the hell out of my house,” Gwaine said. 

“The rest of you, go. You’ve no business here,” Lancelot said. Morgana and Gwen came rushing out. 

Percival and Elyan followed Morgana and Gwen. “Rot in hell,” Arthur said. 

“Your petty words don’t hurt me, Pendragon.” He turned to leave but stopped. “Emrys, I hope you are happy. Little slut. Go kill yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed!! Please take care of yourselves!!!


	3. Chapter three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, lovelies!! Back with chapter three! 
> 
> Specific to chapter warnings: Thoughts of suicide, but does mention killing oneself. Also, I'm going to add non-con just to be safe but there is NO major sexual action(E.G. clothes off kind of thing) and finally panic attacks
> 
> There is a lot of flashbacks and a whole heckin' lot of angst.

Previously…

_ “Your petty words don’t hurt me, Pendragon.” He turned to leave but stopped. “Emrys, I hope you are happy. Little slut. Go kill yourself.” _

“Why you-” Elyan started. 

“Stop. It’s not worth it,” Merlin said. 

_ ‘I’m not worth it’ _ Were the words unspoken. 

Cenred waltzed out. “Merlin! You’re bleeding!” Gwen exclaimed. 

Merlin brought his fingers to his nose, not feeling the strange, sticky wetness there until Gwen said something. Surely enough, his fingers were coated with blood once he drew them away from his face. Thankfully, it was just the seven of them now. Everyone had been ushered out of Gwaine’s home. “I’m fine. It’s not broken,” Merlin said pinching on the soft part just before the bridge of his nose, tilting his face down slightly. 

After a moment, the bleeding had finally stopped. “See already stopped.”

Gwaine came back out with a damp towel. “Here,” he said, handing it to Merlin who thanked him and began wiping at the blood on his face. 

“I uh. I’m sorry for...you know, ruining the party..,” Merlin mumbled. 

“Nonsense!” Gwaine said. 

“It’s just that if I didn’t come…” 

“It wasn't your fault,” Morgana said, her piercing green eyes seemingly seeing right into his soul. 

*Time Skip*

Merlin lay awake in his bed. After all the commotion, he had decided to go home.  _ ‘How could they even bear to be in the same room as me? I ruined the party, just like I fuck everything else up. If I hadn't gone, Cenred would have never gone and none of that wouldn’t have happened.’ _ Merlin thought to himself. 

Merlin couldn’t stop thinking about Cenred’s words. His lip trembled and tears welled up in his cerulean eyes. ‘ _ Maybe...maybe the world would be better off without me. My mum would have far less to worry about. Gaius would have far less to worry about. It seems as though everyone would be happier. No one to be bothered by poor, sad, little Merlin.’ _

*Flashback*

_ “By the gods, Merlin! Quit following me around like a lost puppy! No one wants to be bothered by poor, sad, little Merlin,” Cenred said after Merlin told him that he wanted to go home. “If you want to leave so badly then go, I don’t want to deal with you right now!”  _

_ Merlin flinched back at the harsh tone. “I-” _

_ “Look. If you want to go home, just go,” Cenred interrupted. Merlin looked at him for a moment longer before turning around and leaving. Of course, Cenred had insisted that he drive, so Merlin was left walking.  _

_ It wasn’t too far of a walk, only about 15 minutes. Merlin held in the tears until he finally made it to the apartment. Soon, he found himself sitting on his and Cenred’s shared bed. Tears streamed unabashedly down his face.  _

*End of flashback*

Merlin had forgiven Cenred long since for that, but the words stuck in his mind. Merlin still hadn’t forgotten to this day. Merlin scrubbed at his eyes, willing the tears to stop, but as soon as one batch was gone, another batch replaced the first. His nose hurt, his arms hurt, his head hurt from crying, his heart hurt from the deep emotional pain. 

He felt like he was breaking, and this time he wouldn’t be able to put himself together again. 

Cenred will stop at nothing to get what he wants. And he seemed to only want to cause Merlin pain. He had changed, this wasn’t the Cenred that Merlin had met three years ago. This was an entirely different person. 

*Flashback*

“ _ Hey there, I believe this is yours?” A tall man asked. Merlin looked up with a nervous smile and took the sketchbook from Cenred.  _

_ “Yes, thank you.” _

_ “I’m Cenred, what’s your name?” Cenred held out his hand. _

_ “Merlin, nice to meet you,” Merlin said, shaking the dark-haired man’s hand.  _

_ Merlin found himself falling head over heels for the guy. Soon, they were going on dates and hanging out nearly all the time. Merlin couldn’t have been happier...well that’s what he thought at that time.  _

*End of flashback*

Cenred had been kind. Or maybe...maybe it had been an act. Maybe they were right. Maybe Cenred had never been kind. But Merlin found that hard to believe. He always saw the best in people, even if they’d done the most horrible thing. 

Everything that Cenred had done in the past year was too much for even Merlin to forgive. Merlin couldn’t stand it. He realized now, that it was a grave mistake to forgive Cenred, to stay with him even after everything that happened. And Merlin was paying the price for it. 

Merlin woke the next morning to a very quiet house. Gaius had gone to work already and Merlin was on his own for a while. He started the shower, letting the water heat up before undressing and stepping in. As the hot water ran down his body, Merlin felt at peace, even if only for a moment. Merlin stepped out of the shower, getting himself dressed before going into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. 

*Flashback*

_ “Goddammit, Merlin! I asked this to be cleaned up ages ago!” Cenred yelled.  _

_ “I didn’t make the fucking mess. You clean it up.”  _

_ Merlin completely missed the glare that was sent his way, too busy painting. Cenred stormed over, crushing beer cans as he did. He grabbed the still-wet painting off the easel and threw it to the ground before stomping on it. “When I ask you to fucking do something. You do it. Now, little slut, I have things to do and I do not want to come home to a messy apartment.” _

_ “What is wrong with you?” Merlin exclaimed. “I was doing that for class!”  _

_ Cenred brought his hand up so fast, Merlin didn’t have any time to react before he was on the floor holding his now red cheek. “I don’t fucking care.”  _

_ With that, Cenred walked out, leaving Merlin on the floor in shock. Cenred had yelled, called him names, gotten frustrated with Merlin. But Cenred never hit Merlin before. Merlin’s lip trembled, but he did his best to hold in the tears as he picked up the, now smashed, painting. He didn’t understand what warranted Cenred’s awful behavior towards him. No doubt, he would have to restart on the painting. Hopefully, he could get it out in the next two days. Merlin put his painting supplies away and grabbed a rubbish bag and began cleaning up the beer cans and bottles that littered the floor. _

*End of flashback*

That was the first time Merlin had threatened to leave Cenred, but after Cenred had promised that he wouldn’t do it again, apologized, and promised to be better; Merlin had stayed, instantaneously forgiven Cenred. 

And that was the biggest mistake of his life. Cenred hadn’t changed. He didn’t try to be better. He got worse. Meaner. Crueler. Downright mean. More absorbed in his buddies than Merlin. Coming home from a bad day at work and demanding things. Being rough with Merlin. 

Merlin realized now, that nothing Cenred did after that first night Cenred had hit him, he wanted. He didn’t want to be treated like a sex slave like Cenred had so frequently called him. But, Merlin had been okay with it because at the time Cenred was all he had. His mother was in their hometown three days of driving from Camelot. His Uncle Gaius was miles from Cenred’s apartment, and they had barely been in touch since Merlin got together with Cenred. 

Merlin understood that it was never a long term relationship that Cenred was looking for. His life had been thoroughly screwed up before he got together with Cenred. Especially after his best friend, Will died in a horrible car crash. But it had only gone downhill from when Merlin got together with Cenred. He stopped calling his mother. He stopped visiting his uncle. He hadn’t felt happy since the news of Will’s death, but he had felt okay after accepting the fact that his best friend wasn’t coming back. And then Cenred came along, and for once, Merlin felt happy. But that happiness drained quickly. 

Most of Friday night at Gwaine’s party had been a blur in Merlin’s mind. But a few words stuck. 

_ I hope you’re happy. Little slut. Go kill yourself _ .

Merlin’s dark eyebrows knitted together in a frown. Merlin felt the familiar prickle behind his eyelids and the horrible, almost cramping sensation as anxiety took over. Merlin felt it coming before it was there. 

His chest constricted painfully. He felt like he was going insane. His heart felt like it was going to beat itself right out of his chest, Merlin crashed to his knees, unable to keep upright. His hands were shaking as he dug his phone from his pocket. Tears were streaming down his face and dropped right onto his phone screen as he tried to get to Arthur’s contact. Out of several people, Merlin could have gone to, Arthur was the one that he felt would work the best. 

Looking through tears was hard, they blurred everything. Still, Merlin found the contact and dialed Arthur’s number. For the longest, most terrifying moment, Merlin didn’t think that Arthur would pick up or he was asleep. 

“Hullo?” Came Arthur’s voice, it was slurred with remnants of sleep.

“Arthur...I-I’m sorry if I woke you,” Merlin’s voice wobbled. 

“No, it’s fine, I was already up. What do you need?” Merlin could hear the concern lacing Arthur’s voice. 

“I need you to distract me,” Merlin said through panting breaths. 

“How?” There was movement on the other side. 

Merlin almost let out a whimper. “Just tell a story or something.” 

“Okay.” 

Arthur began a story. One old legend that Merlin had once been obsessed about. As Merlin listened to the story and Arthur’s voice, smooth like velvet, he began to calm down. Merlin felt sheepish when he began to calm down. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Arthur asked after a moment of silence. 

“I uhm.” For a moment, Merlin thought about telling Arthur everything. “I just got a little too far into my head,” he said at last. 

“Are you thinking about what Cenred said? Because really you shouldn’t. Don’t worry about it, Merlin. He’s just a cold-blooded arsehole.”

“I-I know..,” Merlin said. He didn’t sound the least bit sure of that answer. 

“Hey, why don’t we hang out later? We can either go to the cafe or you could come over?” 

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Merlin said. 

Merlin soon found himself sitting in Arthur’s room. “So, wanna talk about this morning?” Arthur asked. 

“As I said, just got too far into my head,” Merlin said. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either. Merlin had been looking at his hands as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. Merlin closed his eyes for a moment. 

When he felt a warm hand on his own, his eyes snapped open and he looked up at Arthur instantly. Clear blue clashed with cerulean as their eyes locked. They stayed that way, staring into each other’s eyes. Arthur leaned forward slightly, Merlin as well. The two stopped, centimeters away from each other’s lips. There was a slight hesitation on Merlin’s part before their lips touched. 

It felt as if a little jolt of electricity went through the two of them and the hesitant kiss became something a little more passionate. It was slow, and almost sloppy on Merlin’s part. But it was almost as if they were made for each other. 

Their lips worked together, syncing their movements. Merlin didn’t know what to think, but he knew he loved it. It felt exhilarating, much different than when Cenred had ever kissed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!! Hope you enjoyed.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has severe trigger warnings. This chapter contains very dark content. Suicidal thoughts and actions, mentions of self harm and pretty vivid descriptions of suicide. PLEASE for the love of everything, DO NOT read if you can't handle it. Please take care of yourselves!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies. Once again, this chapter has dark themes. Please take care of yourselves. Also, I am not a doctor in any way, shape, or form. So if there's something wrong or off about anything doctor related, please let me know kindly. Thank youuu!

_ Previously: _

_ It felt as if a little jolt of electricity went through the two of them and the hesitant kiss became something a little more passionate. It was slow and almost sloppy on Merlin’s part. But it was almost as if they were made for each other.  _

_ Their lips worked together, syncing their movements. Merlin didn’t know what to think, but he knew he loved it. It felt exhilarating, much different than when Cenred had ever kissed him.  _

  
  
  


They finally pulled away, both panting slightly. The kiss left Merlin wanting,  _ needing _ more. “I em. You. That. Wow,” Merlin was resolved to a speechless mess. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just-”

“No. It’s fine. It’s...it’s more than fine,” Merlin said, meaning every word. 

“Are you sure? I didn’t mean to overstep,” Arthur said. 

Merlin smiled, a genuine smile at the purity of Arthur. It was a wonder. Arthur hadn’t overstepped at all, and here he was apologizing as if he had. Merlin couldn’t fathom why. “Really, Arthur. I mean it.” 

Arthur smiled back, a dusting of pink on his cheeks. 

And the two spent more time getting to know each other. At one point, the two had gone to the kitchen, made some tea, ordered take-out, and were now sitting down in front of the giant flat screen tv watching The Avengers. 

It was a few weeks later, everything revolving around Cenred had calmed down. Cenred hadn’t tried to get into contact with Merlin or go anywhere near the 23-year-old. Merlin and Arthur began hanging out a lot, more often than not with the two ending up in Arthur’s flat. They took it slow, mostly for Merlin’s sake. Morgana found out and was absolutely ecstatic. Apparently, they weren’t very good at keeping secrets. 

Arthur got some very...intimidating talks from Morgana, Gwen, Gwaine, hell, even Freya. 

_ ‘If you hurt him, we’ll kill you’ _ . Arthur didn’t know whether to be scared out of his wits or to be happy that Merlin had so many people who cared for him. 

Arthur met Merlin’s mother. The woman, bless her heart, was much like an older, female version of Merlin. She had come to visit one weekend, Merlin asked if Arthur wanted to meet her. 

She had  _ thanked _ Arthur that day. 

*Flashback*

_ “My son! It’s good to see you!” She exclaimed, hugging Merlin with all her might. She noticed Arthur. “You must be Arthur. I’ve heard a lot about you,” she said pulling away from her son.  _

_ Arthur held out his hand, “Good to meet you, ma’am.” _

_ She ignored his hand and embraced him in a motherly hug. It very nearly brought tears to his eyes. “Please, call me Hunith,” she said. “Here, I brought some homemade brownies.” She handed Merlin a box.  _

_ “Thanks, Mum.” Merlin took the box from her, going to the kitchen to put them away.  _

_ “Thank you, Arthur,” she said.  _

_ “Whatever for?”  _

_ “For making him happy.” She smiled. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him this happy.” _

_ Arthur smiled. “I try my hardest,” he said.  _

*End of flashback*

And too right he did. Every chance he got to make Merlin smile, he did.

Merlin was devastated the first time Arthur found out about his  _ habit _ . 

*Flashback*

_ “I-Merlin? What’s that?” Arthur asked, looking at Merlin’s arm. Merlin’s eyes followed his. _

_ “N-nothing. It’s nothing,” Merlin said, panic welling up inside of him. He pulled down his sleeve.  _

_ “That’s not nothing.” Arthur went over to him, pulling up the sleeve delicately.  _

And then, things took a wrong turn. Merlin had tried to be better, he really did. He tried to be better for Arthur. Once again, he found himself in that dark place that he couldn’t get out of. He was sitting in the kitchen, sipping a cup of tea. 

_ You’re better off dead.  _

_ No one will be bothered. _

_ Poor little Merlin, can’t do anything right _

_ The only way to be happy is death. _

_ Do you really think Arthur cares? Pah-leez, he’s doing it out of pity.  _

Merlin’s phone rang, he ignored it.

Merlin had made up his mind. He hated feeling like a burden. And that’s just what he was, to everyone. Merlin set down his tea and grabbed a kitchen knife, making sure it was sharp. 

Once again, his phone rang. 

He slid down the cabinet, knife in his hands. He turned it a few times, tears began falling from his blue eyes. 

Voicemail notification. 

A few texts. 

He pressed the knife into his cream-colored skin and dragged it up, from the base of his wrist to the crook of his elbow. It stung horribly, but not as bad as the emotional and mental pain he felt. 

Now his phone was near-constant dinging with notifications. 

He grabbed the blade shakily and slit his other arm. It was not as straight as the other arm, more jagged, and slightly less deep. 

Ten minutes later, Merlin was beginning to feel the effects. 

Another call. He looked at the screen and picked up. “Merlin? Why didn’t you pick up? Is everything okay?” Arthur’s concerned voice drifted to his ears. It began to sound muffled like his ears were full of cotton and he felt drowsy from blood loss. 

Merlin let out a sob. “Not fine, Arthur. Not fine.”

“Merlin, tell me what’s wrong, please? Are you at your Uncle’s house? I’m on my way.”

Merlin couldn’t think anymore. “I’m sorry...I’m sorry, I didn’t- I can’t.” Merlin stumbled over his words, not able to think of what to tell Arthur.

Merlin’s eyelids drooped. “Merlin?”

“I’m sorry,” Merlin muttered like a mantra. 

“Merlin? Merlin?” 

Merlin didn’t answer. Arthur could hear his slow breathing through the phone. 

Finally, he reached Gaius’ house. He slammed the door open looking everywhere. He found Merlin lying on the kitchen floor, chin to his chest hands limply at his side. There was blood everywhere. Immediately, Arthur dialed the police, trying to put pressure on both of the gushing wounds. 

*Time Skip*

Arthur was beside himself with worry. “Arthur, just-”

“Don’t tell me to calm down! Goddamnit! I thought he was getting better. I thought-”

“You couldn’t have known,” Morgana said. 

When Huntih walked into the hospital waiting room, eyes red from crying, and fresh tears still falling from her eyes; Arthur couldn’t have felt more guilty at that moment. “Hunith I-” he started as soon as she was close enough. Gaius was not far behind her.

“Shh. Don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault.” She wrapped her motherly arms around him. 

Arthur broke at that moment as he returned the hug. 

Arthur paced the floor, unable to sit down. It was nearly two hours before a doctor came to talk to them. “Family of Merlin Emrys?” She spoke softly. 

“Right here,” she said. 

“I’m Dr. Alice Collins. Merlin is lucky to be alive. Any longer and he wouldn’t be. He lost a great amount of blood and is going through a blood transfusion.”

“Can we see him?” Arthur asked. 

“He is resting right now. I think it best we have no more than one visitor at a time, two if you are quiet. Keep in mind that right now, Merlin needs as much positivity that you can offer.” 

Arthur, despite his pure desire to see Merlin, stayed back and let Gaius and Hunith see him first. It wasn’t his place to demand he see Merlin. That right went to family. And Arthur wasn’t Merlin’s family. Yet. 

“He’ll be okay, Arthur. Don’t worry, he’s a fighter,” Morgana said softly. Her dark brows were furrowed in concern, her green eyes full of the utmost sympathy. 

“I don’t know what to do, Gana,” Arthur said. Morgana was surprised by the use of her childhood nickname. She walked over to him, grace in her step, and pulled him into one of her rare hugs. 

“You be there for him,” she said. “You don’t ever let him feel like he is alone, he cherishes your opinion above all. And while you might be a bit of a prat to a lot of people, but I can see that you care for him. Don’t ever let him go. He’s changed you for the better,” she said. 

“I will. I don’t want to lose him,” Arthur sounded more like a terrified three-year-old than an adult. 

“I know.”

After that first night, Arthur was glued to Merlin’s bedside. The next day, Arthur went to the hospital to visit Merlin after his classes. Hunith was there, talking to Merlin. Arthur stood in the doorway, he didn’t want to interrupt. Hunith looked up. 

“Hi, Arthur. Please, come on in,” she said, her voice was light. 

“I don’t mean to interrupt.”

Merlin looked over to Arthur. A guilty expression on his face. That did Arthur in and he walked over to the chair on the other side and set his things down. “You aren’t,” Hunith said. “I was just getting ready to head out anyway. I have to pick a few things up.”

Once Hunith left, Arthur and Merlin sat in silence for a moment. “I’m sorry, Arthur. I’m so sorry,” Merlin said finally. 

“Merlin, you  _ idiot _ . Stop apologizing.” Arthur reached over, enveloping Merlin in a somewhat uncomfortable hug. “It is I who should be apologizing. I’m sorry that I didn’t notice. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.”

Merlin was brought to tears again. “..’s not your fault,” he mumbled against Arthur’s chest.

Arthur held onto Merlin as long as the dark-haired male would let him. “I love you,” Arthur said out of the blue. He really did. He absolutely  _ adored _ Merlin. 

Merlin stilled, pulled away from Arthur, and looked deep into those crystal blue eyes that he had come to love so much. He wanted,  _ needed _ to make sure that there was no joke in those words. Arthur didn’t move. The look on Merlin’s face screamed ‘You really mean that?’ Once Merlin finally realized that it was no joke. Not a way to trick him into being something he didn’t want to be or a situation he didn’t want to be in, he thrust himself back into Arthur’s arms and held on as tightly as possible with his sore arms. “I love you too!” he cried in between sobs. Though these weren’t sad sobs, they were cries of relief and happiness. And boy did Merlin mean those words. He loved Arthur with his whole heart. Everything about the blond, from his perfectly golden hair, to his crystal blue eyes, his sunkissed skin, his velvety voice. Everything. 

Merlin soon became exhausted, falling back into a restful slumber. Arthur didn’t move from his spot in the chair, no matter how uncomfortable it was. He held Merlin’s hand while he slept. He was nearly nodding off when Hunith walked in with a bag. Arthur could barely keep his eyes open, he was too worried about Merlin to sleep much. 

“You should go home and rest, Arthur. You look ready to keel over.” Her tone was gentle.

“I can’t…” his voice broke with unshed emotion and a tiredness that was taking over. “I can’t leave him. I don’t want to.”

“Arthur Pendragon,” she said in a stern voice. “You will go home and get some rest. You are of no use to Merlin if you can’t even stand up straight. Go home. He will be fine,” she said, her tone getting much softer as she spoke. Still, however, stern.

Arthur reluctantly agreed to go home. He let go of Merlin’s hand and kissed the sleeping man on the forehead with a soft whisper of “I’ll be back tomorrow. I love you.”

Hunith drew him into a hug before he left. 

*Time skip*

Merlin was recovering nicely. He was finally released from the hospital after nearly two weeks. They kept Merlin a little longer than usual after he woke up to evaluate his mental state. 

There was still a possibility of a relapse, so Arthur watched him like a hawk. -Not that Arthur didn’t watch him like a hawk already-. Arthur stayed with him every step of the way and Merlin was patient with Arthur’s mother henning. No matter how overwhelming it could be sometimes. Merlin was going to a therapist once a week, something he agreed to, albeit reluctantly. He was back at school, They knew. His classmates. He was absolutely terrified of judgment. But when he walked in on his first day back, he didn’t receive any judgment. No one said anything, but they were all supportive. 

“Wanna go to dinner?” Arthur asked. It was three weeks after Merlin was released from the hospital. 

Merlin smiled. “Asking me out on a real date, finally?” His tone was suggestive and playful. 

“Maybe,” Arthur said, waggling an eyebrow. “So, dinner tonight?” Arthur asked, grabbing Merlin by the waist and pulling him close. 

“Mmm, where at?” Merlin’s eyes flickered from Arthur’s eyes to his lips. 

“The Rising Sun,” Arthur said. “I even got us on reservation.”

“I love you, have I mentioned that?” Merlin asked. 

“You might have,” Arthur said. “I love you too.” He claimed Merlin’s plump lips with his own. Merlin practically melted into the kiss. It was more confident and rough than their first kiss. Arthur’s tongue slid across his bottom lip, begging for entrance. Their tongues battled each other in a fight for dominance. They soon found themselves in the bed. Merlin on the bottom, Arthur straddling him. Arthur broke from Merlin’s lips. Arthur tugged at Merlin’s shirt. 

Merlin instantly became self-conscious. He didn’t want Arthur to see the, still red, ugly lines on his arms. “Wait.” Arthur stopped immediately, a look of concern passed through his eyes. 

“What’s wrong?”

Merlin couldn’t meet Arthur’s eyes. “I-” Arthur gently grabbed Merlin’s chin and lifted his head. 

“If it’s about this.” Arthur moved his hand to caress Merlin’s wrist. “I don’t care. What’s in the past is in the past. Yes. You have scars. Merlin. I love you and nothing is going to stop that. I hate seeing you this way,” Arthur said. He made no move, however, to push Merlin. He grabbed Merlin’s right arm very delicately, as if Merlin was made of glass, and kissed his wrist. He did the same with the other. 

Arthur placed his hands on Merlin’s cheeks and looked into his blue eyes. Merlin had a troubled expression on his face. “I’m...I’m so ashamed,” Merlin finally said. “I let him get to me. Let everything get to me. How could I do that to you? To my mum? You should all hate me.” Merlin’s voice wobbled, full of heavy emotion. 

It was the first time he was actually confiding in Arthur. “Don’t be ashamed. Don’t be guilty. I may not be able to understand why you did it, but babe, it’s in the past. You were in a dark place. Stop dwelling, thinking everyone secretly hates you. Because, believe me. No one hates you.”

Arthur didn’t know if that was the right thing to say. Merlin was silent for a moment, sniffing back tears. “I know,” he said after a while. “But it’s hard. To forgive myself for putting you all through that. For...for not being strong enough.”

“Love…” Arthur started softly. “The only person not forgiving you...is  _ you _ .” Arthur wiped Merlin’s tears away with a light swipe of his thumb. “It’s going to take some time. But you will get better, Love.”

Merlin buried his head under Arthur’s chin, listening to the reassuring thump of his heart. The two cuddled in silence, the lustful moment over. Arthur didn’t mind. He would wait a million years for Merlin if he had to. 

Merlin was afraid that Arthur would have been upset, but the blond showed no such feelings. He spoke softly and Merlin soon found himself drifting off to sleep to the soothing rumble of Arthur’s voice. 

Merlin woke up to Arthur’s voice. “Come on, Silly. We have a date, remember?” Arthur asked, sounding exasperated as if he had tried a million times before to wake Merlin up. 

Merlin jumped up so fast. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he mumbled sheepishly. 

“It’s okay, I know you needed it.”

Soon they were comfortably formal and headed to dinner. Merlin enjoyed himself. It wasn’t every day he got to have dinner with his most favorite person in the world. -second to his mother, of course- 

That night, Merlin lay awake well after Arthur went to bed. He studied the blond’s peaceful face. “Like what you see?” Arthur mumbled sleepily, cracking one eye open. 

Merlin laid his head down on Arthur’s chest with a mumbled “Maybe.”

“Get some rest, Love.” Arthur carded his fingers through Merlin’s soft, dark hair. Merlin drifted slowly to sleep. 

_ Cenred sneered at him. “You’re going to pay for everything. With your life!” _

_ “I- what?” _

_ Cenred grabbed Merlin by his throat and slammed him into the wall. Merlin’s head cracked harshly against the wall with a resounding  _ **_smack_ ** _. “Merlin!” Came a distorted voice.  _

_ Cenred squeezed and squeezed, Merlin couldn’t breathe. His lungs were burning. His heart was thundering madly in his chest. His eyelids became heavy and the world was beginning to spin. Black dots entered his vision sending him into a world of stars. “Merlin! Come on, wake up. It’s okay.” _

_ “You’re weak. Tell me, Merlin, why can’t you do anything right?” _

_ “Merlin, it’s okay.” _

Merlin jolted awake, shooting up in the bed, knocking Arthur’s chin on his way up. He vaguely heard Arthur mutter an “ouch” but he was too preoccupied trying to find his breath. He still felt Cenred’s hands on him as if it had been real. “Shhh, Love. It was just a dream.” Arthur hesitantly placed his hands on Merlin’s shoulders. 

Merlin turned into Arthur. “It was so terrifying!” He cried. “I thought I was going to die.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Arthur asked. 

“No, not really,” Merlin mumbled. 

Arthur hummed almost thoughtfully in response. “Come here,” Arthur said as he grabbed Merlin gently from behind and laid the two of them down. 

*Time skip*

Merlin followed Nimueh, his therapist, back to her office. “Good afternoon, Merlin. How are you today?” She asked once they were settled.

“Could be better,” he said. 

She hummed in response. “Would you like some water? Tea?” 

“No thanks.”

“Did something happen that you want to talk about?” 

“I had a horribly realistic dream last night.” 

“Wanna tell me about it?”

“Not partcularaly,” Merlin replied.

“This is a safe place, Merlin. You can talk about anything here.”

“I know. But...it’s just not something that I really want to remember,” Merlin mumbled, though, his brain was doing a horrible job of letting him forget. 

“I feel that if you yalk about it, it might help better.” 

Merlin ended up talking about the nightmares he had been having for the past few weeks. They didn’t happen all the time, but when they did happen, they were terrifying. It wasn’t exactly fun waking up from sleep after a vivid nightmare being terrified out of your mind. 

Merlin felt a small weight lifted off his shoulders. He didn’t have to bear his burdens alone. He had Arthur, Morgana, Gwen, Dr. Nimueh, Gaius, his mother, Kilgharrah, Aithusa, Gwaine, Percival, Lancelot, Leon, and Elyan. Not a single one of them would hesitate to help him if he asked for it. 

Merlin went home from his appointment feeling a small bit better. He had told Dr. Nimueh of his insecurities and she had promised him that he had nothing to worry about. 

Merlin got out his paints and a blank canvas he had laying around in his Uncle Gaius’ place, and his easel. And he let his heart out. Merlin lost track of time and before he knew it, Arthur was coming in the door with takeout. 

“Did you do that?” Arthur asked when he saw the painting. It was a beautiful painting. With a small cabin, surrounded by trees. There was a small stream that seemed to be moving across the canvas. 

“I- uh...yeah,” Merlin said. 

“That’s beautiful, Merlin.” 

Merlin blushed, nervous all of a sudden. “It’s not _ that  _ good,” Merlin stated. 

“Well, I for one love it.” Arthur set the food on the counter, grabbing Merlin by the waist and pulling him in for a gentle kiss. “Now,” Arthur started after he pulled away. “Dinner.”

Merlin smiled at Arthur. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Arthur said. He had a look of pure, irrevocable love in his clear blue eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welllllll, I hope you liked it...It killed me to write this. I cried while writing this sooo. Also this is the end


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dearies!! I was initially going to leave it at 4 chapters, but I just couldn't help myself. So here is the epilogue. 🥺👉👈

It was a normal night out with their friends. It was the week before their college graduation. They were sitting at the cafe, talking, smiling, laughing. Merlin’s mother and Gaius had been invited as well. Merlin sat right beside Arthur, their chairs almost touching. Everyone else sat about the tables that had been pushed together for their giant group. 

“I’ll be right back,” Arthur claimed as he got up. He planted a kiss on Merlin’s forehead. Merlin was distracted by the story his mother was telling. Blushing like mad when she continued to tell them about Merlin as a baby. 

“I swear, I never laughed so hard. You remember, right?” She looked to Merlin. Merlin’s smile dropped, and a slightly panicked expression donned his features. 

“Not that story, mum, no!”

She told it anyway. It wasn’t long before Arthur returned. He had been making this plan. There were very few people who knew of his plans. Lancelot, Gaius, and Merlin’s mother. He didn’t want to tell Morgana or Gwen, because they’d get so excited and blab it to Merlin before anything could happen. And he just didn’t want a whole lot of them knowing before he did it. 

Arthur took a deep breath, getting their attention. “Merlin,” he said, slowly dropping down on one knee. “I love you, so very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my life, than with my one true love.”

Merlin knew he was a cry baby, but he never admitted it. His hands flew to his mouth and tears began cascading down his face. “Merlin, would you make me the happiest man alive, marry me.”

Merlin grinned. A wide, thousand watt grin that left the room almost shining. There was a gasp from Gwen and Morgana. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!” 

Arthur slid the simple, yet beautiful ring on Merlin’s finger and swept him up into a hug. Hunith was crying, happiness beaming from her very soul. Everyone was smiling. 

“Arthur Pendragon!” Morgana screeched. “Why didn’t you tell me!?” 

“Because you would have opened your big mouth,” he said with mirth. She opened her mouth for a retort, but it never came. Instead, she did something she had never done before. Admitted defeat. He wasn’t wrong.. 

“Fine! But I demand to help prepare the wedding!” 

“Who better than my lovely sister.” Arthur laughed. Merlin couldn’t hold back anymore. He smashed his lips to Arthur’s in a passionate and demanding kiss. There was a chorus of ‘awes’ and ‘ews’. The two broke apart. 

“No public displays of affection! I’ve seen enough to become immortal from you two!” Gwaine said light-heartedly. 

Merlin responded by kissing Arthur again. 

*Time skip*

Morgana was rushing everyone around, making sure everything was perfect for the wedding. It was early spring, there was still a slight chill in the air. Merlin was being fussed over by Morgana, Gwen, and Gwaine. 

“Who knew Gwaine could be so...whatever that was?” Merlin mused out loud. “He’s worse that Morgana.”

“Beats me.” Gwen shrugged. 

Morgana had left to see that everything else was going smoothly.

Merlin couldn’t have been happier. He was getting married to the love of his life. 

The wedding was small but beautiful. Morgana did a great job planning. Tears of happiness were shead. 

“I love you,” Arthur said.

“I love you too.” Merlin hugged Arthur hard. “With my whole heart.”

College was over. Merlin painted more and more. He was married, and very happily, he should add, to the man he loved and adored. To the man he had looked up to. Leon and Morgana finally found their love for each other and it was a matter of time before they shoved Gwen and Lancelot together, the two of them being very oblivious love birds. And Gwaine finally got the gentle giant, Percival to admit his love. 

Of course, they had fights and arguments here and there like any married couple, but they were always resolved in a matter of hours. Usually because Merlin would beg forgiveness even if it wasn’t his fault and Arthur would feel guilty. Their love never relinquished its grasp on their hearts. They were made for each other. They were soul mates. Two sides of the same coin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading What Happens Behind Closed Doors Will Always be Revealed. I do hope that you enjoyed it!

**Author's Note:**

> I do sincerely hope that you all enjoyed reading that. Please, if you have anything to say, say it! However, keep it kind. Constructive criticism is perfectly okay! I really do enjoy reading comments and figuring out how I can better myself! There is ALWAYS room to grow and constructive criticism helps GREATELY!!!!
> 
> I'm sorry if some parts felt like they moved a little too fast or too slow. Honestly, this is just something my mind whipped out over the course of some really....really...really bad days. I hope it's not too sad..
> 
> Thank You for reading!! Take care of yourselves!!


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